2018/02/07

WHY MUMS NEED THEIR OWN TIME TOO?


I'm going to write an extremely controversial post now. As you know, I'm living in a country where people, especially mums seem to share this insanely weird and destructive point of the view about the first year of the baby. This post has been written with a tongue on my cheek - but yet based on the way I see our mum culture and why I think it's a bit uncomfortable.
As always, I don't mean that every single mum is like this - before I cause a shitstorm without even writing about anything - but the mum's who are like this, they are the loudest ones.
I recently came across an FB group post, where people (mums) were discussing should mum's have an evening or a day off from being a mum. Or you know, leave the baby with their fathers when they go somewhere, enjoying the time alone out of the house. Or you know, going out on a date with their other half's and leave the baby with their grandparents.

Based on this conversation, I've been a bit, shitty mum.
- When D was a three-week-old we went to see this satanic (joke, calm down.) band called Sum41 and left him with J's mum for the evening
- When D was around 6 months we went to see a musical & next day we went shopping without a baby and left him with my mum who came here to look after D
- When we renovated and we shipped D to my mum's place, 250km away for a weekend, alone
- When we were moving and we shipped D to J's mum, 15km away, for a weekend, alone
- Not to mention those two or three date nights J and I have had and we have dropped D off at J's sister

You see, here you have to be this incredible super mum who never gets tired. A super mum who doesn't complain. A super mum who understands the fact that not all of the women are as lucky as you to have a baby. All women can't have babies and that's why you should be extremely thankful for that precious little miracle who sometimes, and I mean sometimes, makes you want to drive off the cliff. If you say that you're tired, exhausted and you can't handle this shit anymore - they'll throw you to the wolves. And then they altogether read from the magazines how once again a mum has left her family or how she has killed herself because she's so tired and wonders out loud why would a mum left her kids like that. Out loud.

That surrealistic world they have created, the world where everything is always so fucking alright. Everything is fucking amazing, just great. And anyone who disagrees with them is thrown to the wolves. Then you wonder why, why mum's don't come forward and tell how they really feel about the first year with the baby. You wonder why they would end their lives, because the first year with the baby is fantastic, dancing on the roses and happiness 24/7.


Nawh, it isn't. There are days that are just plain hard. You are in this survival mode from a nap to another, if your baby decides that today is a good day for the nap. The thing is, why do we keep pushing and pushing this certain lifestyle to other mums? Why?
Not all of our lives are the same and they can't be. If you have a perfect first year with your baby, congratulations. Mine hasn't been and I'm not afraid to say it out loud. I also shouldn't be afraid to say it out loud. None of us shouldn't be afraid to say it out loud.

"I'm a single mum of 7 of which 2 are special needs kids and I'm not complaining."
- First of all, this is not a competition of whose children are the hardest. Congratulations on surviving by yourself, that must be extremely tough for you but it's not a competition. There can be single mums with only one kid and feel worse than you feel. Or what you're trying to feel.

"If you have the need to put your kids for someone else to look after, why did you even get kids?"
- Yes, because everything in the world is as black and white as this is. Oh, you're putting your kids to their grandparents for a while because you got kids and now you regret that you had them. NO. Hell no. How do you know what's going on in this person's life? Nothing? PND? You can't know. Maybe they just want to take the kids to their place so the parents could have some time together.

THE THING is, that you have no way of knowing what someone else is going through. You can't know, it might be they're not going through anything. THE THING is, that you are not a bad mum if you want to take a few hours or the evening for yourself. It's not selfish, it's what is good for you. No one can't honestly expect that you should spend the rest of your life 24/7 glued to your children without anything that is your own. You're not supposed to sacrifice your relationship just because you can't take your baby/kid to someone overnight. I think there are so many mums who need to hear this.

I go from a day to another reading FB posts where mums tell how tired they are and how they feel like walls are falling towards them and suffocating - that is not life. You need a break.
Take every opportunity you can, ask for help - you don't have to survive on your own. No matter what a bunch of perfect FB group mums say to you. You have every right to complain. You have every right to go out, without your children (just check that someone is looking after them, hehe, hehe). And the most of all, you have every right to take care of yourself.

The fact that you happened to have children, doesn't mean you need to stop living your own life and start living for them. The kids are alright if you are alright. Got it?

That's why mums need their own time too.





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17 comments:

  1. This was so amazing to read. I'm not a mum but can appreciate that mum's 100% need their own time too, whether your child is 6 months old or 16 years old. I love reading your parenting posts, they're so special xx
    Liv
    www.livwrites.co.uk

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    1. Ah thank you! They’re definitely something else, I like to keep & say things as they are and not sugarcoat anything haha :D

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  2. You're a good mom. You do need a break! In America, all of the moms joke about needing a glass of wine or 2 because the kids drive them crazy. So I may not be a mom, but I completely understand.

    Hannah the Mad Dog

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  3. Gosh I relate so much. When Oliver was just 5 DAYS OLD we were both stuck in hospital due to infections. I recovered quicker but I had to stay in because of him. I was struggling mentally so much and the midwives noticed this, so they told me to get my parents in to look after him, and Nathan and I could go home for a couple of hours to relax. I was SO grateful and I don't feel guilty because I needed it. Oliver was with family and was being well looked after. Thing is, when I tell people this story the looks I get given are terrible, almost as if they're judging me for it. I just want to scream back 'You have NO right to judge me. You don't know how I was feeling and what being stuck there was making me feel.'
    I personally think it's great that childcare exists. It's amazing that you are able to have a baby, and also love your life. At the end of the day, let parents do what they need to do to be great parents!! Some people find it more difficult than others but that doesn't make them a shit parent or make them weak. We're all bloody human at the end of the day and we all feel differently.

    RANT OVER 😂😂😂
    Great post as always Jasmin!

    Sarah | www.justbuttonsblog.co.uk

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  4. I love this post though I'm sad these things need to be said! I'm a firm believer that mums are entitled to a bit of grown up time, be that a date night, shopping with no toddler in tow, or whatever really. I think its healthy to have some seperation from your child, for both of you!

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  5. Of course mums are entitled to spend time without kids and in fact, I believe its very important. Everyone is different and you should do exactly what feels best for your family. Great post Jasmin!

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  6. I completely understand your point of view and I've had a few people tell me to take a break, give Bug to nanna or my partner and have time to myself. The only problem is I get really anxious at the thought of not being with him but I still have time to myself just when he's sleeping lol

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  7. OH gosh! There are some people here too that are very forceful with the whole “well, you’re a mum now so that’s all you are” and I 100% couldn’t disagree more! As a mum you have ALL the right to have a night off or a few hours off every now and then! Especially when it means you get some quality time with your other half!
    Also, yay for Sum41! x

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  8. Finding the perfect balance between our responsibilities and our relaxation is key to mental sanity! Great read!!

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  9. Having a baby may change your life, but it doesn't change your personhood. It is absolutely critical for parents to have some time of independence, relaxation and a little time off from doing and being everything. You're absolutely right!

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  10. Oh wow, I'd become crazy if spending time with the kiddo 24/7 so yes, definitely moms need own time too! I've been making jokes of having army of nannies and cleaning ladies if we ever have kids because well, I cannot stand screaming or the fact I couldn't do anything useful during the day. You've been doing super well if you have had someone else to take care of D only like once a month. You should definitely be proud of yourself!

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  11. Crazy talk that you'd not be a great mum. Kids are supposed to be a part of your life, not run your life. You're doing great and I won't hear another word about it.
    Katja xxx
    www.katnapped.com

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  12. I can't relate to this post as I don't have any children, but I can really understand that whatever your role is in a relationship, (mother, wife, of partner) one has to take their own time. This make us a better person and so we can be better in any case.

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  13. They totally deserve some time away! Kids deserve the best from their parents and parents who are exhausted and not taking care of themselves (or even resent their kids bc they no longer have a life!) can't give their best. Point blank period. Good for you for tackling this topic...I just wish it wasn't considered controversial. :)

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  14. as i'm not a mum i don't think my take on this is that relevant, but i really do agree with you. every family is different and every parent-child relationship is different, so what works for someone doesn't necessarily work for another and nobody should be made to feel inferior based on their parenting style and choices. getting help from family members and friends is always okay and taking time for yourself is definitely okay and needed as well! xx

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  15. Great post J! I was thinking, okay, the first three months will be without baby-sitting because I can’t handle it yet. Now Mason is 7+months and he hasn’t been away from me for more than one hour (and I usually are close by).
    I’ve spend 6 weeks in the Netherlands, and I trust my mom a 100% but I simply don’t want to be away from him. I don’t feel the need of going somewhere without him. Not because i feel obligated but I simply don’t want. I think it’s my breastfeeding hormones too. When I will stop the breastfeeding I think it will be easier maybe?? Next to that, the fact that we lost our daughter makes me crazy attached to Mason. Momming him is simply all I want for now. But I do think I’ll reach a certain point and will leave him with my mom. I would not feel guilty or judge others that do so.

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  16. I honestly don't know how mom's do it! I hang out with my mom friends and I need me time by the end of it. Keep up the good work!

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