BUILDING UP MY SELF-CONFIDENCE & SELF-ESTEEM AGAIN


I'm sat here, Disney Channel open binge-watching Olaf's Frozen Adventure (dubbed in Finnish) and am feeling so glad we watched it with the hubby in English first - it's so much better in English. Especially the songs, they always sound so tacky when you hear them in Finnish after hearing them in English. Also, how many songs can Disney fit in 22 minutes? Then again, it's Disney so basically my question is insanely invalid.
I've been thinking a lot about self-confidence lately. As you might know, I've been struggling with it a lot during my days on this Earth (yes, I've been told that it's something you don't see from the outside and I agree, I'm good at hiding my feelings). If you haven't read anything related to my self-confidence issues I've got two posts for you that might interest you:
"I have a secret I'm no longer going to keep" & 62 days of freedom.
They are both closely tied to my self-esteem and self-confidence, as you can feel it from the way I've written them. You can feel how I've ripped myself broken and broken again to get those words out. (Okay, I really don't know how people would feel after reading those posts, but that's what I've been told the reading them felt like).

Now, it's good to remember that self-confidence is not the same thing as self-esteem. Self-confidence or in my case, the lack of it - "It is a positive belief that in the future one can generally accomplish what one wishes to do. Self-confidence is not the same as self-esteem, which is an evaluation of one’s own worth, whereas self-confidence is more specifically trust in one’s ability to achieve some goal." 

To be honest, I don't remember the time when I thought I could accomplish certain things in the future. I started to lose my self-confidence because of the lack of my self-esteem & that is why I am on my way to build myself up again. It's easy to go around and tell people how all their dreams are going to happen if they believe in them and themselves enough but the tricky thing is to actually know you can do it, your dreams can come through if you believe in them and yourself and are willing to work hard enough. And with every setback, when a self-confident person would think "I can do it next time, if I work hard enough" I am the one who thinks "apparently this isn't for me, I am not good enough for anything."

I lack self-confidence in certain areas. Not in every single thing, I mean the work me is super self-confident & has a great self-esteem - I know I can do what I do, sometimes even better and more effective than one's might do and to find an employee like me is hard. I know my self-worth at work, but when I get home and back to my own life outside of the work I lose myself.


I used to be like this. I used to know my self-worth, I used to know "the meaning of my life" (that's a bit melodramatic, even from me I must say.) "The meaning of my life" in this case means that I had dreams, I knew I could make them happen, I knew if I'd work hard enough how to make them happen. I still do, dream - but I don't feel like I've got enough what it takes to achieve those dreams and make them come true. Some dreams are meant to stay dreams, but let's work this through. My dreams that I've had when I was growing up.

I wanted to become a professional dancer.
- Got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, which basically doesn't stop me to go and try to achieve my dreams, but my knees hurt super easily after doing something that affects them - so it would not be physically possible for me to reach my dream. It could be, but there's a good chance I'll be a wheelchair user by the age of 50, who knows. This definitely is a dream, that is meant to be one because something I can't affect in, got in the way. And I'm completely okay with that, now.

I wanted to become a singer.
This is such a cliché dream from every girl's childhood - but I actually knew how to sing. I had the talent. For multiple times different people told me to shut up & stop singing and now I don't believe in myself. I know I still got the talent, have a perfect pitch but the only place I sing out loud anymore is in the shower or when I'm absolutely wasted in a bar and there's karaoke.

I wanted to become a psychotherapist.
My career-advisor back in 9th grade told me, that "you should work out your own issues before you're able to solve anyone else's. I don't think you'd have what it takes for it."
In a way, I still know this dream is highly achievable but the words of her are stuck in my head. They're so stuck in my head that I actually believe I've got more issues than Vogue and if I don't sort them out, which I have sorted out already, at least most of them, I can't become a psychotherapist.
Also, I really do suck at maths so going to study psychology at Uni is something I could literally never make to happen.

See, I did it again! And those are only three examples of the dreams I've had, the dreams I could still achieve but something is holding me back. Though these are also dreams I've switched to new ones even with my new dreams, I don't feel like I've got what it takes to make them true.


So what is the point of this ramble?
I'm on my way to feel better on so many levels at the moment. Stuff that happened back in August, the good stuff, are the ones that have drowned me into this point where I actually find my old confident self again. Well, at least an upgraded version of it. I'm going to start from the inner things and slowly move forward to outer things.

I'm going to write a journal, daily and list things that I've achieved that day.
I'm going to do that stupid smiling practice in front of the mirror (smiling makes happier doesn't it?)
I'm going to get on the bus with the baby and his pram.
I'm going to do a whole wardrobe renovation.
I'm going to compliment myself.
I'm going to give myself some slack, life isn't that serious.
I'm going to stop taking crap from everyone.
I'm going to learn to trust myself again.

Might take a year or 10, but who counts them - I'm on my way to feel better and the idea of it feels good itself.





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17 comments

  1. How old are you Jasmin? I used to feel that way in my early 20s, the good news is, it doesn't last! At some point, you're going to wake up one day and decide that all that negativity isn't worth it. That you're not going to feel bad about yourself forever. That actually, you're pretty awesome, and while the obstacles life threw at you were hard, and sometimes knocked you off track, you survived them, and you're all the more stronger for it. You're back on track and you're going to do whatever you want! Because it's your life, not theirs, and you wouldn't want to be anyone else. So step aside, bus people, confident woman with her pram coming through!

    XO Miss Portmanteau
    https://missportmanteau.com

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  2. Excellent goals Jasmin! I have always had that strong, self-confident image that I have shown to others. Some people probably still think that I'm super self-confident about everything in my life. But I think everyone has those things they're more scared to do and those with which they're more comfortable doing.

    In the past people always told me that I cannot do things - you cannot find a job because you're only 14, you will not get into that school, etc. These hurt like h*ll but I became very determined that I'll achieve anything. That I'll prove those people wrong. And well, I've actually done most of those things even thought there have been moments of being unsure what I actually can and cannot do.

    And the point is: try to do your best to believe in yourself and by doing that you'll improve everyday and can achieve (almost) anything! I was almost kicked out of school in elementary with horrible grades but now I'm in med school. For sure you can start studying what you love, and start singing again - if you love it, just do it and don't care what others think. For talented and successful people there will always be haters but never let them tame you!

    All the best,
    Nora / https://dreamerachiever.com

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    1. The fact that I want to prove people wrong is the reason I'm still trying.

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  3. I think you've put together some wonderful steps towards building up your self-confidence. However, in my opinion your 9th grade career advisor should've been the one to look into alternative professions. What a horrible thing to say to a teenager. All my best to you on your self-confidence journey, Jasmin! You've got this!! <3

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    1. Definitely not the best advisor in the planet.

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  4. It's very brave of you to put this out to the world. I really admire you for that.
    I totally understand what you are saying because sometimes I feel the same. Not always but there are somee moments when I am so insecure because of the wrong people in my life.
    I think that you are on a great way to live more positively. DO not care what others think just do what your heart wants.
    You know how to sing - well go out, find a band, start to sing in a local pub or somewhere... Let others hear you.
    I just want to encourage you to do whatever you want to do.

    Lots of love! <3

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    1. Hahah, you're amazing Zana!

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  5. Woow! I almost cried because I felt so touched... Thanks for sharing, it is very deep and personal... You are an angel dear!

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  6. Very brave of you to share your vulnerabilities. It will help a lot of people. Those goals are amazing and you should really action them - that will give you a lot more confidence. You should also work on your thoughts, meditation perhaps? All the best love.

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    1. Everyone, even the most confident looking people have their vulnerabilities - it's a reminder that not everything is as it seems!

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  7. One thing I have realised is that life keeps evolving and our choices evolve as well. When insecurity sets in, looking at what we have achieved so far helps us build our confidence again.it takes courage to put this out so I know you're on your way to greater things...I have only the kindest thoughts for you...welldone and all the best

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  8. Hi Jasmine! I came from twitter, BloggersTribe. First of all you are amazingly beautiful!
    I also wanted to let you know that you can study Psychology and have issues. That's a terrible thing to say. I got my Master of Science in Professional Counseling in the US and let me tell you...we all have issues. I would say that those that study Psychology are the ones that want to work through them and evolve, get better. So please, listen, you've been given the wrong idea. Erase that thought.
    Follow your passion. There's nothing else to do, you know. That may be your gift.
    Alina
    www.eclecticalu.blogspot.com.ar

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Alina :-)

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  9. I understand what you are going through. I am in the same boat and to be honest i am finding it so hard. I have made a bullet journal to track my things and how that will make me see i can achieve things. This is one of those cases where it is easier said than done.

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