2017/08/30

I HAVE A SECRET I’M NO LONGER GOING TO KEEP


breast reduction surgery
the plastic surgery procedure for reducing the size of large breasts. These are done if the size of your breasts effects to your physical health. These are also done if you just don't like your titties. 

I've been through a hell these past 13 years.

When I was 10, my body started to change. By eleven my whole body was in a full swing through the puberty. My emotions were a roller coaster, the way I started seeing myself from the mirror changed. By the age of 13, I had a nice couple of B-cups and I was embracing these new curves in my body. My hips also got a bit wider and I wasn't that short flagpole anymore. I was like a short stuffed animal, just from the right places. I loved the way I looked.
By the age of 14, my B-cups turned to D-cups. Now, you see where this is heading. By the age of 16, my bra size was 70K. A fucking K-cup.

When you're going through the high school and trying to well, survive from it and enjoy it and in the same time get to know to this new you, this adult looking you it's a toxic combination. Or well, it was for me. My little sister seems to be okay with her breasts what I can see from her Instagram pictures (could that cleavage get any wider girl, you're only 15 for fuck's sake?) but the way I saw my body until the golden three years in the high school began to change. I started hiding.

"But why would you
want them to disappear?
I'd pay for a pair of those."

I was hiding under baggy clothes. I hide behind the desks. Whenever I sat somewhere I placed my bag on my lap and I bought huge bags because of it. In the high school, if I was sitting in somewhere else than a class room - there was a bag always on my lap. My breasts grew so fast that I never had a chance to get used to them or learn to live with them. Though, little did I know - living with them was the definition of hell. 
Throughout the high school, there was this one guy who made me feel even worse than I already felt about myself. I get it in a way, boobs in that age are the most interesting thing and I'm also pretty sure he played this cocky role through the high school. Though, that wasn't an excuse to call me "Boobsie" to my face every single time I met with him in the hallway. I'm not mad at him or anything, he just played a big part in the way I saw myself, not that I was already hiding, I wanted to hide better. I started buying clothes that were even baggier.

In 2009 when I was in the 8th grade I went to Malta for three weeks, where I actually met J. There was this one girl who was in the same situation as I was and we talked about it in that same summer when I was visiting her. We haven't talked in a really long time, though we were roomies in Malta and I believe that if we just started chatting with each other again it's like these years haven't been between us. She plays a role in my story as well, she made me realise that I wasn't alone. I'm not the only one who's suffering about this and how it's making me feel. That was so relieving.


"You should be happy,
not all of us are that lucky.
I would do anything to have
breasts like yours." 

Roll on to the time I was 16. I moved 250km away, a new life in my eyes. A lot had happened that year and several years before, so I was more than ready to begin a new life far away from the place I used to live and away from all the family drama we were going through. Sometimes I think that I should've stayed for the sake of my sister (maybe she wouldn't be in such a bad situation as she is now) but I would've probably killed myself if I had stayed. Though it has nothing to do with the topic of this blog post - it's for another story time. Story time I'm not comfortable to share with anyone.

Everything started out smoothly. New people I met didn't say a word about the way I looked or didn't even look at my breasts, the ones I'm you know, still hanging out at least. It was fine for me. I finally knew there were people who wanted to know me and talk to me because of me, not the way I looked.
There was this one little detail.
My back started falling apart. It had been like this since I achieved DD's, but this was worse. Since the age of 17, a pain-free day has been more like an exception than a norm. I struggled to get up from the bed. I knew why I was in pain so I didn't go to the doctor, as all they had ever helped me was telling me that the pain will go away with painkillers, I should lose weight to achieve smaller breasts and go to a massage therapist to get my back knots open. Fun fact tho, none of those helped. Except for the painkillers but I can't take them every single day, can I?

So I got numb. I got numb physically. There have been days I haven't gotten up from the bed because of the pain. Then I've just asked J to bring me a painkiller so I could get up and go to work or school.
I learned to hide the pain, it's something that can't be seen from the outside as long as I don't tell anyone how much in pain I am. I pretended I was okay, even though deep inside I was in a massive pain for every single minute of the day and 24/7 of my time.

When I was 17, I started a new job. Aside from the school so I could pay my bills. I started working as a telemarketer and I actually stayed in the job for over a year, year and a half if to be specific. I loved it and it was so much fun. It started to stress me though as well - I was good at it but you always needed to be better in order to keep your job. Also, when customers are saying stuff like "you fucking whore, if you call me ever again trying to sell me that shitty magazine I'll come to your door and I'll kill you, you piece of garbage." Yeap, that's what I heard every other day.

Why my workplace is in this story? There was the first time in a year when anyone had ever mentioned anything about my breasts. There was this middle-aged man. I'm not sure if his wife doesn't agree to fuck with him (though, I can't believe he even had a wife) or what was his problem but he was way too interested in my breasts.

"Hey, can you get the tip
of your elbows together?
Show me!"

No, I won't show you and yes, I can. Every time he was at work he had this massive need to talk to my breasts, talk about my breasts and even though I asked him to leave me the fuck alone he was just an idiot. He slowly pushed me back to that hole I had been climbing up for a little over a year.


That's when I truly started the battle with my self-esteem and was in a war with my own body. Opponent: breasts and breasts were winning.
I felt like a huge piece of boob.
I have cried countless of hours because of them. In fitting rooms, next to my closet, in my closet - everywhere. I haven't been happy. Several times I've actually stood in the kitchen with scissors in my hand ready to cut them away. Why? Because no one I've ever told has understood. No one I've ever told hasn't taken me seriously.
J did.

"Imagine how big they
will grow when you get
pregnant."

After we found out for the second time that we were having a baby I started to love my body. I was capable of doing something I never thought I was, especially after summer 2015. When the baby belly started to show, I saw how beautiful my body was now when everything was in in the right scale. My breasts didn't grow during the pregnancy at all. Thankfully.
After the pregnancy, breastfeeding wasn't working at all.
Thanks to the K-cups, I would have needed someone to help me feed my son. I was told the baby could suffocate because my breasts are so huge. We went through every single possible feeding position but wasn't able to find one that I was able to do alone. That is when I hit the rock bottom.
I don't know if I wasn't clear in the blog post I wrote about our breastfeeding journey because I clearly stated that I'm not talking about double D's. One of the comments was something like this:

"You obviously didn't have much support because I've got D's and I was perfectly able to breastfeed my kid."

Like yeah, I wish I had D's. D's aren't even big.


Long story short, J insisted me on going to the doctor. So I went and took my mum with me. Every 22-year-old takes mums to the doctor's with them right? Anyhow, the doctor said that I need the help. She said that my back would not be able to carry this weight.

100 points out of 100. 

Here in Finland. We have this point system. You have to get 50/100 so they would even plan to make the surgery. How these points are counted?

Jugulum-mamilla measurement (from your neck to your nipple):
40 points, if it's under 27cm
50 points, if it's 27-31cm
60 points, if it's over 31cm

You're having troubles with your back of the neck & shoulders:
0 points, when your BMI is over 35
10 points, when your BMI is 30-35
20 points, when your BMI is under 30

Limitation of physical ability:
0 points, when your BMI is over 35
10 points, when your BMI is 30-35
20 points, when your BMI is under 30

100/100

And this is on the public side, I could have gone to the private clinic but it would have cost me 5000€-10000€.
Usually, they will ask you to do different things before they put you in the queue, losing weight for example. I was told that I should not lose any more weight than I've already had because I'm slightly underweight. That also means that my breasts are full of overgrown mammary gland & almost no fat at all. So losing weight in my situation would be pointless, as it wouldn't help.

On 22nd of June, I had an appointment with another doctor.
She told me I was put on the queue and my possible surgery will most likely to be scheduled for October or November.
And two weeks ago I had a call that my surgery was scheduled for 30th of August.
Yeap, that's today.
Today, when this post goes live - I'm finally going to be free.

When this post goes live, I've been cut open on the surgery table for an hour.

I'm going to be free from all the pain.
So here's to the fight & here's to the freedom.
The day I've been waiting for 10 years, is finally here.

Oh, and if you're still saying it's not hell to live with large breasts, try to carry 2-litre milk bottles in your bra for at least a week and then get here again and say it's not that bad. 





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84 comments:

  1. I'm seriously so God damn happy for you! That sounds like a horrific thing to go through most of your life. I hope you have a speedy recovery and now a pain free life!! <3 <3 <3

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  2. Aww hun I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that feels like. I too, am a bit busty but not to the point where it hurts my back. But it does get annoying when you can't wear certain things or how all of the bras are catered for women with smaller breasts. I've felt self-conscious because smaller breasts=skinny, usually. I can't imagine how painful it is to have back pain, have men make horrible comments, and all the while taking care of your kid! I wish you the best of luck with your surgery, and can't wait to hear more about the post-op!

    Hannah
    Floraful

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the kind comment Hannah <3 Means the world to me!

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  3. Oh my god, you poor love! It's awful how our bodies will work against us sometimes but I'm so pleased for you being eligible for surgery! Hope it all goes smoothly and wishing you the speediest of recoveries.
    Saph xx
    simplysaph.blogspot.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. My body has been working against me on so many levels haha, finally I've won. Thank you so much <3

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  4. Oh my gosh Jasmin! It's crazy how you can have no idea with what is going on in someones life! I hope all goes well today, and I hope that when the healing is done that you're happy with your breasts because you deserve to be! I'm so pleased that you're being given the surgery, it honestly sounds like a dreadful 13 years you've had, I cannot even begin to imagine what size K breasts look like.
    Good for you for being brave and sharing your breast-related story. I know its hard to talk about being insecure about such a 'sexualised' thing about your body. And I won't be one of those who says "I would die for boobs like you", because honestly it sounds awful.
    All the best with your recovery!
    Much love, caitylis x x
    www.caitylis.co.uk

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    1. Hahah, it was awful! Thank you so much for your kind words <3
      Everything went well & the recovery that has happened so far has been super great - there's not much pain or anything so that's a relief. Thank you so so much <3

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  5. I'm so happy for your decision and can't wait to hear how everything went. Wishing you a speedy recovery ❤️

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  6. I really didn't know that it was that painful, but I can imagine! I think smaller breasts are easy and light. Often I could even skip wearing a bra (before my pregnancy). I wish you all the best. Ofcourse we believe you that this is not easy to live with. Thank God it's over now! :) Happy for you babe. The surgery must be not that easy either. I hope you don't have that much pain <3 Lots of love

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  7. Oh hun I am so happy for you!! All those years of pain and torture is finally over!! All the best in your recover and I hope that you can enjoy life and the freedom it brings in your new body xx

    http://www.chausadventure.wordpress.com

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    Replies
    1. I'm slowly building myself up again! Thank you for your kind words <3

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  8. I am so sorry you went through all that. Hope you heal well and recover quickly. ❤❤

    Konyinsola | www.pearlsandpencil.com

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  9. I´m wishing you a fast recovery :) Also, I´m so proud of you, that you share this with us and that you decided to take a control of your own life :) Well done, Jasmin :) Hope everything will be better now

    Ally,
    www.inspo-book.blogspot.com

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    1. Haha, thank you so much for your kind words Ally!

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  10. Wow, that's really a big big decision you have made. I can feel your pain and all the stress coming from this part of our body and i hope now everything have turned out well for you. Get well soon dear!

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  11. I am so glad you are talking about this as I feel others may be going through the same thing and have no idea where to turn. It s not something I can relate to myself, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been through and having to put up with comments from other people. Happy to hear you are making a decision best for you and I hope you make a speedy recovery.

    Hannah
    daintyandivory.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I'm sure there are plenty of women facing the same issue but aren't just talking about it as it has this weird stigma around it. Thank you so much Hannah❤

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  12. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in the body they have been given, so I am so happy for you! I don't have really big breasts but sometimes I wish they were smaller. They don't cause me physical pain, but I understand you in a way.
    B, xx | http/www.queenbsdiary.com/

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    1. I absolutely know where you're coming from! Thank you❤

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  13. So glad you opened up about this! I know a few people who's boobs are actually a big problem in their life and can cause them bad health because of this. I hope that the surgery went well and you are happy with the results!
    Sarah x
    saraheliza.co.uk

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    1. It went well thank you❤ and I'm so so so so happy. Oh my goodness, it has been a huge change but yes, I'm happy!

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  14. Such an amazing and inspiring piece - I commend you for writing such an open piece, one that will definitely help others!
    It always gave me an insight into nothing I've never even thought about!

    Loved this!

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  15. I'm so sorry about all of the hardships and harassment you went through. Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story. I'm sure it'll be helpful for a lot of people!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Sarah❤ I don't know if this was brave, but I seriously needed to get it all out of my system in order to move over from all the emotional pain after the whole surgery :-D

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  16. So so proud of you that you shared this in your blog💗💗💗
    That seems to be like a nightmare, so happy that you will start feeling better and won't suffer this pains again.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words❤

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  17. Wow, thanks for sharing your story, it was so interesting to read, my 16 year old has this struggle. I hope you are feeling better now you are free! x

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    1. Ah no, I'm so sorry she has to go through all of this. Thank you ❤

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  18. Well done for writing and sharing this and I hope you're able to see a difference already when you look down. My best friend and I are chalk and cheese, she has the painful over large chest and I am barely a B cup, she finds it so hard at times.
    Hope your recovery goes smoothly x

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    1. I CAN SEE MY TOES! I absolutely know where she's coming from, it's pretty damn awful. Thank you❤

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  19. I hope the surgery went well for you. I had a friend who had the procedure when we were at university together and I know for her it was the right decision too x

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    1. It went super well, thank you❤

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  20. Oh girl me heart broke when I read this - I've always had a fairly large bosom and whereas I haven't experienced as horrible physical pain like you I have had my fair share of harassment throughout school and working life because of them... because people (mostly men) find it acceptable to stare and even sometimes poke. Anyway. I am so glad that you're getting it sorted and so much love for writing this piece. People don't know that big boobs are not all the rage.
    Katja xxx
    www.katnapped.com

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    1. Once one man touched them, I hit him as hard as I could and straight to his face. He didn't understand why - men are pigs !
      Thank you for your kind words Katja❤

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  21. Wow Jasmin, good on you for sharing your story with us all. I just wanted to give you a hug through the whole post especially the part about your co-worker what a pig. I hope your surgery went well & you finally feel free & love your breasts. x

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    1. Some men are pigs, it's insane but then again - the world would be boring place without them. It went well and I'm absolutely loving this new self of mine❤

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  22. Such a brave and honest post, and such amazing amazing news for you! I hope all goes well, and wishing you a speedy recovery x

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  23. Oh darling you poor thing, good luck for today, not that you will need as you will be better than ever. xx

    http://www.londonmumma.com

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    1. Thank you so much Lindsey❤

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  24. Thinking good thoughts for you on the procedure. By this time it's already passed and I am hoping that everything went well. That would have to have been traumatic all those years. And I can understand the body image issues. I hope things get much better for you.

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    1. Thank you so much David! ❤

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  25. Wishing you all the best and I cannot imagine how you feel as I have quite the opposite problem.
    Very best of luck!
    http://www.onesliceoflemon.com/

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  26. Thankful you had a successful surgery...Here's wishing you a speedy recovery....and a more interesting life ahead...free of pain....Enjoy this new phase

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    1. ❤❤❤ thank you for your kind words!

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  27. Wow Jasmin, my heart aches for you and is so joyous for you now that you have had your surgery �� You're such a brave woman and I hope your story encourages more women to talk about this! Sending you lots of love xxx

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    1. Thank you so much you amazing human being❤

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  28. I couldn't relate to this post more and it's heart breaking! My boobs have always been very large and they don't fit my frame properly either it's always stopped me from being body positive or loving my body! I'm so so happy for you that you've been able to find a solution and best of luck for your surgery x

    Kayleigh Zara 🌿www.kayleighzaraa.com

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    1. Thank you so much❤ everything went smoothly, thankfully :-)

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  29. I've always struggled with having a larger chest and I often find myself so envious of people with B and C cups, I don't think people really realise all the difficulties that can come with having a larger chest because having 'big boobs' is just so hyped up in the media, you know?

    Anyway, I hope after your reduction that you're happy and feel more free :)

    Julia // The Sunday Mode

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    1. The ones who haven't lived with them can't ever realise how awful it is, you have to live with them to know. I wish you all the best hun❤

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  30. I'm 22 and wanting to get a reduction too, I completely resonate with everything you've written about here. I hope you're much happier and more comfortable now, lots of love xxx
    Meg / https://mysticmogwai.wordpress.com/

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    1. OH, I hope you get one soon! ❤ you can always DM or email me if you want someone to chat with :-)

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  31. Oh hun, the comments and attitudes of some people can be so ignorant. I'm so glad you've made this decision as it means you'll be pain free and happier which is so much more important than other people's views and opinions. Wishing you a quick recovery x

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    1. I haven't felt this happy for a long, really long time. Thank you❤

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  32. Wow, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been! People's attitudes are so horrible and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you're in a better place now and everything goes well with your recovery.

    Ada

    https://adalovelacex.co.uk

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    1. Everything has gone surprisingly well, to be honest haha! Thank you for your kind words Ada ❤

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  33. Oh you poor babe! It must have been so hard for you over the years, I'm so happy that you are finally getting the result you want

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    1. Thank you for your kind words❤

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  34. So pleased for you! Wishing you a speedy recovery xx

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  35. I had breast reduction surgery too. It's nice reading about someone who can relate, although I'm sorry you had to go through that hell. I too was told, "why would you want to get rid of those?" and "I'd kill for bigger boobs." My back was in pain for years, and my posture still suffers. Getting the surgery was one of the best things I ever did. I hope you are feeling better!

    Arielle
    https://littledismaid.com

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    1. Ah I'm so so very happy for you❤ and thank you for your kind words! Posture is so hard to keep up to be honest!

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  36. What a brave and honest post. I wish you every best wish for your surgery and every future happiness! X

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  37. Well done for being brave enough to discuss this and raise awareness to support others who may be having similar issues.

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  38. Hi there, hopefully you are happy with your results! I am 2 weeks post op and I am so happy, it was one of the best decisions of my life. I think it's amazing that you opened up about this! (I am planning on doing it as well - someday, I am not ready yet because as you said it is really personal and difficult) I wish you all the best for recovery and your 'new life' (at least that is what it is for me)! :) Glad we got that off our chest :D

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    1. I've never been this happy in my own body as I've been the past month❤ thank you!

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  39. I'm so sorry you had to suffer with this for so long. I thought your post was incredibly brave and honest and I applaud you for sharing. I'm so so happy that your surgery turned out to be sooner than expected and of on all the days when your post when live! It must have been fate! 😊 Anyway, your post was so moving, I'm glad I stumbled upon it 💕

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    1. Hahaha, don't know about fate - I wrote this a day before my surgery :D thank you so much❤

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  40. I'm so happy for you! I hope everything went well and you're recovering okay <3 x

    Anu | Based On blog | Bloglovin

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    1. KIITOS!❤ kaikki meni ihan superhyvin ja en tiiä, outoo ku ei oo ollu mitään komplikaatioita. Torstaina jälkitarkastus ni siellä sitte näkee :D

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  41. Seriously, I am so happy for you! So happy that you have the freedom now to enjoy life without the extra weights. You can run round and play with your son without stress or pain. That makes me so happy for you.

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    1. ❤❤❤❤ thank you so much!

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  42. I have been through a similar journey with my chest so I can relate to quite a bit in this post. I had a big chest for as long as I can remember, and can think back on numerous occasions when I would cry to my mom saying that it was so unfair that I had these monstrous things on my body that were so painful and uncomfortable.

    I wasn't able to play sports, I had the hardest time finding clothing that would fit properly (and even then they barely did) and I just hid myself behind baggy band t-shirts because I was trying to keep them from being front and center. If I wore anything even remotely revealing, which is pretty much anything when you have such a big chest, I would get stares or comments from men just walking up the street or going to the grocery store. It was awful.

    I too got the "you're so lucky to have those" comments as well. Really? Not being able to breathe, having my back feel like it's breaking and my shoulders being dug into by my bra straps is a good thing? I didn't hate them for their comments, I just knew that they didn't fully understand what they were saying.

    I had my surgery in November of 2013 and went from a H cup to a D cup. I haven't regretted my decision a day since my surgery and it gave me so much freedom it's unbelievable. I'm so happy that you shared this post because it has inspired me to share my own story. Congratulations, Jasmin!

    Hilary | Lipstick & Lattes

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    1. Oh my goodness, I'm sorry to hear you had to go through with this as well! Congratulations on you as well, and I'm happy you shared your story💕

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