2017/03/24

I’M NOT ABLE TO BREASTFEED MY SON & THAT’S OKAY

I'm not able to breastfeed my son and that's okay. 


Breastfeeding, that funny old thing.

Before I got pregnant and when I actually managed to get myself pregnant I had a plan to breastfeed my future kid at least for six months. I had read all about the benefits of breastfeeding and of course, it creates a special bond between you and your kid. I was ready to do whatever it takes to make it work. Although I knew it wasn't working for everyone, so I didn't take any pressure of making it work. I had a plan, whether it was working or not - I made a decision to be okay with it.

When Dino got around (did you see our birth story over here?), we started practising breastfeeding over at the hospital. First night went well, but the second one was absolute hell. I noticed that my baby was starving and for some reason each time I asked a help from the midwife at night they just placed me on my side and placed my boob in Dino's mouth. His sucking wasn't working, I didn't get any milk out of me and the fact that my boobs are naturally enormous I felt that the position was dangerous for the baby. Even at one point, I asked from the midwife if the baby could suffocate if I'm not holding my breast with my hand while the baby tries to eat and what she answered to me, was the final thing that got me feel absolutely awful about myself.

"Your breasts are so huge that of course, he's going to suffocate."
- Thanks.

After Dino had screamed and cried for his hunger for almost 5 hours that night, someone brought me a little bit of extra milk. The baby got his stomach full and I felt bad about myself.


So, why did I feel bad about myself even though I was ready to face the fact that breastfeeding might not work for everyone?

Because all the conversations on the Internet
are about how breastfeeding is the best and
the only way to provide food for your baby.

Because of each time, if you accidentally mention
that your baby is fed with the baby formula,
you're automatically doomed as a bad mum.

 Because the midwife told me I could accidentally kill
my baby because my breasts are so huge.

When we got home from the hospital, we tried breastfeeding again. It's told that because the hospital environment is super stressful at the times (oh, I can tell that) the milk might not rise there already. We also bought few decilitres of baby formula, just in case and for the fact that the baby won't starve to death. We tried and tried and it just wasn't working.

Our nurse from the maternity clinic visited us at home when we had been home for a couple of days after the time at the hospital. She taught us new feeding positions and told me that there's no way I could kill my baby.  It worked out and things started to look a bit brighter in the breastfeeding life. There was just one but. None of those positions were ones I could do by myself. I needed another person to help me to feed my baby. So if there's anything new to list in my "5 reasons why having big boobs suck" post, it's the fact that it's almost impossible to breastfeed. And no, I'm not talking about double D's here, I'm talking about the breasts of the size of mini watermelons. My breasts have always been that one thing I hate in my body, that have made my self-esteem fall down the cliff and now I hate them even more. The fact that the size of my boobs is making me not to be able to breastfeed my son didn't really lower my self-esteem because it's already as low as it can be over that department.


I know that breastfeeding is the best thing you can provide for your baby, but I'm not able to do so. I've also accepted the fact that breastfeeding is not an option for us. For me, the most important thing is that my baby will have a full stomach and he's healthy growing little star. So far, everything has been fine with eating and our boy is a happy little monkey.

For other mum's struggling with breastfeeding for reason or another, don't blame yourself. It's not always working with everyone. Not breastfeeding your baby does not make you less of a mum than you already are. When living in a world where breastfeeding is made to be the must thing to do for your baby, it's easy to fall into despair especially when the importance of it is thrown inside the doors and the windows from the beginning of your pregnancy.

I'm not saying that baby formula is the best thing for your baby, I'm saying that if you can't provide anything better for the baby, that's the option you're left. And when you're left with that, it's the best for your baby. I hope you catch the idea here.

Our new nurse over at the maternity clinic has been so supportive with this whole baby formula thing. She said that it doesn't matter what the baby eats, because he'll get the food from somewhere, as long as I am comfortable with the decision not to breastfeed my son.

And I am.

After all the struggles, all I want that my baby is fed.
No matter if the milk comes from the bottle instead of my breasts.


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42 comments:

  1. The most important thing is to give your child love and nowadays breads feeding can be replaced by the bottle. Wish you a lot of LOVE ❤

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    1. Absolutely! Thank you Sabine, right back at you <3

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  2. Everyone is different and so many women are in the same situation. I hate it when people keep telling others whats best for their baby - you are amazing momma who loves her little Dino, bottle or boob, makes no difference :)

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    1. It seems like people have that need to do so, I don't really understand where it's coming from because I'm not the type of person who educates others about raising the baby or stuff like that hahah. :D

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  3. It's good that you don't take too much stress about breastfeeding. You can have an excellent bond with your kid anyway. :)

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    1. Oh absolutely! Stress isn't good for anyone anyways :-)

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  4. Fed is best. My baby did almost 'starve to death' and it was the most terrifying week of my whole life. NZ really pushes breast feeding over & that is why we ended up in intensive care. Boobs are great but it doesn't matter if you can't breast feed. Baby is not going to remember that and you definitely aren't less of a mum because of it.

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    1. They're really breastfeeding enthusiastic over here in Finland as well & well, it's great and it really does have some negative sides in it as well. So sorry to hear about your experience & I'm happy that your bubba is alright <3

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  5. Tere is WAY too much pressure on breastfeeding. Just do what's right for you and baby. You know best and bubbas happy as long as their fed! x

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    1. Absolutely, all I want is that the little one is fed - no matter where the food is coming from.

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  6. I think love is the most important thing in life and I believe that you've got plenty to give to your wonderful son

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  7. I adored this post. Your right, it seems to be everywhere that breastfeeding is the way it 'should' be done but noone gives a thought to those mums who want to but can't or to any other reasons why mothers go down a different route and people can be quite judgey when it's not their place to judge.

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  8. What such cute post and interesting to know. Im sure everyone is different, even i never have this experience before but i heard from some friend who has breastfeeding experinced. Whatever you do, its the right decision for yourself and the baby. Wish you have a great weekend dear.

    Kintan XO,
    http://kintanfashion.blogspot.com

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  9. Wonderful post! So very personal and straight from the heart. It surprises me that so many people feel the need to force their beliefs upon you, especially as a mother to a new born. Everyone seems to have their own opinion and they give so much unsolicited and rude advice! At the end of the day you love your child and are connected to him in a way that no one else is... so trust those instincts and don't worry about other people. Sending you and your family lots of love!

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    1. Hahah, giving people 'advice' whether it's useful or not, or if they know anything about anything seems to be something that Finnish mothers do to each other. God knows why tho, it's annoying af :D

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    2. I share the same thoughts as Abby. Thanks for sharing your story!

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  10. I read about the story of a mum who lost her baby because she was told off by nurses and doctor from a hospital to breastfeed her baby intensively even tho she couldn't produce enough. Sad story. Professional and other people can suggest anything to you, but at the end of the day you know best what you can do for your baby.

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    1. Oh I read that too! It was awful!

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  11. It is so nice to have someone come out and tell that its ok to not be able to breastfeed. God bless your baby.

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  12. The most important thing is that you're comfortable and the baby gets fed. Society has really weird way of trying to dictate what we should do. You're doing well hun, trust.
    Katja xxx
    www.katnapped.com

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  13. Don't mind those who enforce the suggestion to breastfeed your baby. The idea is great but it's not every Mom able to do so. As long as your baby boy feed, and happy that's all count. Btw, congratulations for your bundle of joy. I hope it's not that late to congrats you 🙂

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    1. Thank you Rose, it's never too late! :-)

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  14. Beautiful post! The most important things a mother can give to her child is the L O V E and I'm pretty sure that your baby boy receives a lot of love from you :)

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  15. You sound like an amazing mom! Don't let anyone's comments on the internet make you feel less than. You're killing it!

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  16. I was a preemie and as a result, my mum couldn't breastfeed me. There is nothing wrong with bottle fed. Don't feel guilty for doing what is best for your baby (for some it is breast, for other it is bottle).

    - Melissa

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Melissa :-) I won't feel quilty, at least not anymore :-)

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  17. I once read " happy mommy = happy baby ". in the end this is the most important thing (when baby is fed etc. of course:D )I wish you good luck with you little monkey and may he brings you a loooot of happiness.

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    1. That's true :-) thank you Veronika :-)

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  18. Hey Jasmin, great post and it's so helpful towards the women who were also unable to breastfeed and feel the awful guilt which comes with it. I was VERY lucky in the fact breastfeeding my daughter went great, I'm still currently breastfeeding her and she turns one on Tuesday. I will always give advice for breastfeeding, help other mummy's but I will never belittle or make another mother feel shame for giving her baby formula. I formula fed my son (he's now 7) and he is absolutely perfect in every way, shape and form. You did the best for your baby at that time, and I'm sure he is thriving. I was always told "a happy mum equals a happy baby" and that is SO true. I can assure you every baby would much rather be fed and happy (whether that be breast or formula), than have a miserable, upset mummy! Well done. Hugs xxx

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  19. I am so glad you are not overowrked up about breastfeedng, this just one of those things that not all mothers can do. But whatever orks for you and your baby be it breast or bottle as long as you are caring for your child, nothing else matters.

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  20. OH gosh, I feel so sad for your horrible midwife experience the first few days... it's such an important time and you already feel like a huge bundle of hormones without some inconsiderate person telling you lies and making you self conscious. I don't think it matters how you feed your baby, I do believe breastmilk is best for your child (mostly because it's mind-blowing stuff and formula isn't cheap!!) BUT there has to be a point when that benefit from that is outweighed by the stress, hunger, worry etc from any issues with it. It sounds like you've been able to take a pretty good view on it, which shows great parenting too!! x

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  21. It seems to me that you could have used a little more support than what you received. I have F cups and fed for 2.7years.
    You seem happy with your decision though and to be honest you do what you need to do to be a happy family.

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  22. Yes, Yes, Yes!!! I hate how it's deemed the absolute only option to feed your baby. I see a lot around 'normalise breastfeeding' but I feel 'normalise bottle feeding' would be more appropriate. So sorry that you didn't receive the support you should have, some midwives are truly awful.

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  23. So sorry you had that awful experience with the midwife. I couldn't breastfeed my first and I think that was a massive contributing factor to my then undiagnosed postnatal depression! As long as baby and you are happy then that is all that should matter :)

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  24. I love this post. I hate the amount of pressure that is put on new mums to breastfeed. While we all know the benefits of breastfeeding, sometimes there are problems, it's not always possible, and we should never be made to feel like we're doing something wrong. Ultimately "fed is best" - as long as the baby is fed then that's the main thing. I'm glad your new nurse is much more supportive :)
    Hels x

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